Women golfers
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help.
I'm a Physio and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
(Courtesy of John Longhurst)
Summer bash 2008 - its Southern Spain!
The 2008 Summer bash will be held between May 19th and 23rd and will be in Southern Spain.
We will be staying at Los Palmeras which is a super hotel . Los Palmeros which isa based
in Fuengerola which is between Malaga and Marbella
Arrive Monday - no golf - just beer
Tuesday - 18 holes at Mijas Country Club - Olivos course
Wednesday - 18 holes at Mijas Country Club - Lagos course
Thursday - 36 holes at Calanova (includes buggy)
We will have transfers to and from the golf course
We will also be "checking out" Puerto Banus one night!
Usual flights by Easyjet to Malaga
Price : Only £350 Sharing and £400 single
If you are up for this trip please let us have your deposit of £50
as quickly as possible to secure your place!
Any questions please contact Paul or Graham
We really look forward to seeing you!
Angry Dave! (Courtesy of Judy Watt)
found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a
very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-
blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt to win.
Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home
and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much
on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my
appreciation."
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the
best oral sex he'd ever had. The next morning, they met again on the first
tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying
each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.
This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego
bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all
this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at
the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the
best hotel. What do you say?"
Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"
"What? Why not?" asked Dave.
"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor
hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed
madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."
"You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard!
All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"
Sledging ....the fine art
Rod Marsh & Ian
Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with
the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"
Botham retort was "Wife is fine, kids are retarded"
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2
years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it
eating," Cullinan retorted.
Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly
Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes):
"Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?"
Eddo Brandes: "Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a
biscuit."
Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:
"You can't fucking bat."
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a
fine pair. I can't fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls
later Merv dismissed Javed. "Tickets please," Merv called out as he
ran past the departing batsman.
Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but
continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my
culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv
didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In
my culture we just say fuck off."
Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga:
And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked
up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a
particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney: "You don't get a
runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"
James Ormond & Mark Waugh
Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.
MW: "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's
no way you're good enough to play for England."
JO: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."
Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan
McGrath to Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever fucking mention my wife again, I'll
fucking rip your fucking throat out!"
Mark Waugh & Adam Parore
Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Parore) comes to the crease
playing & missing the first ball. Mark: "Oh, I remember you from a
couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking useless
now."
Parore (turning around): "Yeah, that's me. And when I was there you were
going
out with that old, ugly slut. And now I hear you've married her, you dumb
cunt!"
Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna
Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his
crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease
and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good
length. That should do it."
Ravi Shastri vs the Aussie 12th man
(don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone)
Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single. This guy gets the ball in
and says, "If you leave the crease I'll break your fucking head."
Shastri: "If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the
fucking 12th man."
Malcolm Marshall & David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple
of times. Marshall: "Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I
going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and
right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of
the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've
kept my legs together, Fred. "So should your mother," he replied.
Viv Richards v Greg Thomas
This incident took place during a county championship match between Glamorgan
and Somerset. Glamorgan paceman Thomas had beaten Richards' bat a couple of
times and informed him: "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in
case you were wondering."
The very next ball Sir Issac Vivian Andrews Richards gave him the royal
treament and smashed the ball out of the ground, into a nearby river - at which
point he piped up: "Greg, you know what it looks like. Now go and fetch
it."
Steve Waugh & Parthiv Patel
This happened during India's tour of Australia in 2001. The series was level at
1-1. It was the 5th and final test at Sydney and India was 4 wickets away from
a historic series victory on Aussie soil. However, the aussie Captain, Steve
Waugh was proving a thorn in India's back. Playing in his last test match (as
he had announced retirement), he mounted a rear-guard action and was fighting
for a draw, and was the only one who stood between India and victory. In an
attempt to induce him to do something foolish, the 16 year old Indian wicket
keeper chirps " Hey Steve, how about one of those famous slog sweep of
yours before you leave forever?". Waugh, a veteran of such tactics replied
" Sonny! You better show some respect! You were pooping in your diapers
when I made my debut"
Sunil Gavaskar
Once, during the tour of West Indies, a young bowler was trying to get under
Gavaskar's skin by sledging. Gavaskar, a senior player retorted "Son,
don't waste time sledging at me. I have been sledged at more often than you
have taken a piss".
Trueman and Aussie batsman
In an England v Australia Test during early 1960's Trueman was fielding close
to the gate from the pavilion. As a new batsman came out he turned to shut the
gate, Trueman said "Don't bother son, you won't be out there long
enough."
Adam Parore and Daryll Cullinan.
Because Cullinan is well known for being Warne's bunny, New Zealand keeper
Parore greeted the South African, carefully playing the first ball from kiwi
Chris Harris, with a cry of: "Bowled Warnie!"
Healy & Hansie
In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played Hansie Cronje's
province. Cronje was at the non strikers end, there was a short chubby batsman
on strike. Ian Healy yelled to Warne, (I think) "Bowl a Mars Bar half way
down...We'll get him stumped" The Aussies and Cronje were all in
hysterics. the batsman's retort: "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will
be onto it before I can move."
Bill Lawry & Richie Benaud
While commentating during a match in which Pakistan was faring badly in all
departments of the game, Bill Lawry, offering a solution said "I think
Pakistan's problem is they've got to relax", to which Benaud replies
nonchalantly, "I don't agree. I think Pakistan have got to learn how to
bat, bowl and field. It's a simple game."
David Hookes & Tony Greig
Centenary Test in Melbourne 1977. A young David Hookes makes his way to the
crease in his debut test. The English captain was South African born Tony
Greig.
Greig : "When are balls going to drop sonny"
Hookes : "Don't know but at least I'm playing Cricket for my own
country"
Merv Hughes Vs Hansie Cronje
Hughes was one of the greatest exponents of the fine "art" of
sledging. Once during a tour game in South Africa Hughes was bowling to Hansie
Cronje . It was an especially flat wicket and Cronje was hitting Hughes for
fours and sixes all over the place.
After the umpteenth boundary, Hughes headed down the pitch, stood near Cronje,
let out a fart and said: "Try hitting that for six." It was five
minutes before the guffawing stopped and play could resume.
Viv Richards to Gavaskar
Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at no 4 for
that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip
Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. And he
thought there would be less pressure! Viv Richards says "Man, it don't
matter where you come in to bat, the score is still zero."
Waugh Vs Jamie Siddons:
In a Sheffield Shield game between NSW and SA, a Waugh twin (not sure which)
was taking an enternity to take guard, asking the umpire for centre, middle and
leg, two legs - the whole lot. Then he steps away towards leg side and has
another look around the field, before re checking centre. Jamie Siddons is at
slip, and decided enough is enough. He yells out. "For christ sake, it's
not a 'f*ckin test match."
Waugh replies: " Of course it isn't ... You're here. "
Barmy Army Vs Shane Warne:
England's "Barmy Army" recently decided to sledge leg spinner Shane
Warne musically, and it has been described as boorishly personal, but
effective. The sledge was based on Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - the
"Where's your poppa gone?" Song. It has been converted to "
Where's your missus gone?" (Warne had recently been divorced.)
Healy & Atherton
Michael Atherton, on his first Tour to Australia was adjudged not out on a
caught behind appeal.
At the end of the over Ian Healey walked by and announced "You're a
f*@$%#* cheat".
Athers replied very politely "When in Rome dear boy.......".
Some you didn't know....
(My favourites are Adolf, Elephant and Diego Maradonna - GFO)
An Adolf Hitler -
taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
A Richard Kettle – Down in the gully on the left
A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunell - it's ugly but it's still running
A Kate Moss - thinned it
An IRA shot - hitting a provisional
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole.
A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
Does your husband play? - for when a man hits a short tee shot
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Marylin Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie)
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair - too much spin
A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again
A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't
